That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
