Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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