Those balls look pretty dangerous.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
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I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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