my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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