I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
