This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
