Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
