The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
