If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
