the condom got lost in my hair
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
