dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
