I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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