I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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