i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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