Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
