remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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