I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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