The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
