My room smells like vodka and shame
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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