I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We need to get me chipped asap
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
