How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
