I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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