Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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