I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
