she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
