I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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