Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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