The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
