I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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