Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm both gender and math confused