Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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