My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
