just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
