Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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