Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i love accidental penises.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I understand Curling. That high.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
3 2 1 whiskey
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
