I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
