im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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