Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
