Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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