i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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