I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
