I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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