I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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