I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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