i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
