There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
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All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
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My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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