I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
