Just fell off a train. Bad.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
