Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
