Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
