I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
