He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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