you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Drunk is not a location!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
