My hair reeks of homosexuality.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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