My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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