I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
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So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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