dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
