Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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